just words.

There are five drafts on my home page that have never gotten posted.  Dating back to the fourth of July, none of my words have been powerful or meaningful enough to articulate this incredible summer.  I have experienced the loss of two very major people in mine and my loved ones lives.  I have found God again.  I've also lost him, many times.  I have met people I will never forget.  I've been 21, gone to bars.  Lived in excess. Felt high, felt low.  I've felt recklessness and pain.  Strength and power.  True independence is one hell of a phenomenon.  

I am the perfect example of someone who is not perfect.  I make mistakes, all the time.  I put things off, and turn things down.  I chose what feels good over what feels right.  I've let others get in my head, and dominate my mind.  I am confident, sometimes more than I should be, and sometimes appearing more so than I am.  I say exactly what I am thinking, when I am thinking it, unfiltered, uncaring.  I'm an open book.  I ran away from everyone, and everything this summer.  Hoping that if i dropped it all, things would fall into place.  

and they did.

My eyes, heart, and mind are more wide open than ever before.  I have learned that those who love you and support you unconditionally should be treasured, always.  & I have learned how to treasure them.  I have learned that there is a plan, more gigantic and significant that we could ever hope to know.  I have learned that good people are good people, and bad people are lost-- that good people are lost as well.  I have learned that almost everyone who is 21 years old is lost.  And if you feel like you're found, lose the map.  

I don't know if I will ever want to be completely found.  The winding path, I'm realizing, is beautiful.  Life would be boring if everyone found immediate and easy success.  It's the heartache, the want, the unknown, the confusion, the lust, the love, the pain, the joy, the fun, the pure mystery of what exactly is to come next, that makes life fulfilled.  The odds and ends of each person, how they live with themselves and among others that completes the puzzle of every individual.  If someone else's piece doesn't fit with yours, maybe you're trying to early, from the wrong side.  Puzzles take patience, and we're all missing the big picture at some point or another.

I guess what I'm saying is that a few people, events, and moments of confusion turned to clarity have changed my life forever.  Your life is yours, so own it.  Because who else will?  

"chaos, leave me never.   keep  me wild and keep me free so that my brokenness will be the only beauty the world will see."  -r.m. drake

all the love I have to give,